Celebrating Parenthood

May/June 2007

During the past year our agency has helped make almost 500 men and women parents for the very first time. One of the many wonderful parts of adoption work is witnessing the dramatic change in people when they become parents. At this time of the year we celebrate mothers and fathers so it seems appropriate to think about these very special relationships.

The joy and love one feels for a child is unlike any other feeling. Until becoming a parent most of us would not automatically risk our life for another human being, but that changes when you have a child. The intensity of that parent-child bond is so strong that most parents would not hesitate to put their child's welfare before their own. As parents, we do this all the time in many different ways.

More than twenty years ago I worked with a wonderful couple who were in the process of adopting a child from another country. Each of the parents had a high level career and was dedicated to making a difference in the world. The wife had lived abroad and worked as a volunteer at an orphanage; the husband held a high level position in an important non-profit organization. In my meetings with them prior to adoption they each seemed to be extremely intelligent, kind and serious people. Almost a year later they brought home a beautiful new son and the focus of their lives changed dramatically. Now all they seemed to think and talk about was every burp and all the other bodily functions of this baby. Even more surprising, almost everything that either of them said had the lilt of baby talk. The transformation was quite startling!

A few years later this couple welcomed another child into their lives. Gradually they transitioned back to their adult communication styles but with an overlay of funny stories about their children and pride in their accomplishments. It was clear that the careers were still crucial to each of them, but their children were now the center of their lives.

In general, women dream of taking care of a child while men think about having fun with their son or daughter. Many years ago a prospective adoptive couple were showing me, their social worker, around their beautiful home. The wife made it sparkle in preparation for my visit, part of their home study process. With great delight she showed me the lovely nursery she had prepared for a baby and all the accessories for the car, crib, bathtub, etc. Although this happened more than 20 years ago, I vividly remember the husband sitting in their living room and telling me that he couldn't wait to have "little peanut butter and jelly smudges" on their TV screen! Their individual dreams of parenthood typified a difference in fantasies that moms and dads have even before a child joins the family.

Increasingly, more dads take on the stay-at-home caretaker role, but in most cases it is still the mom who stays home with their child. First time dads are often surprised at the strong emotional ties that quickly develop with their new son or daughter. Most moms have these strong feelings even before their new child arrives in the home. The bonds are forged from the time they see their new child's picture or first learn that there is a child waiting for them.

Being a parent is the toughest job in the world. It can be both exhausting and emotionally draining. Unhappy words from a child can stab a parent in the heart. Most of the time, children adore their parents, but not always. They have the potential to cause enormous pain when they are not happy or something goes wrong in their life. Indeed, at times they may be quite angry when we make decisions that don't support their wishes. We want to protect our children and we also want to see them grow into self-confident, thoughtful, intelligent and independent young people. It's all part of growing up and it's not simple. It is challenging and can be very frustrating - and it is a very long haul to adulthood! Yet, it is also the most rewarding relationship you may ever have.

Eventually we have to "let go." It starts when your child first goes to school and continues in stages until the day when they move out to live on their own. All parents have gone through it, or will get there. Nevertheless, even after your children are grown and totally self-sufficient, they will always need you to be there for them and you will always want to be a part of their life. You will be internalized in your child's minds and heart and he or she will carry you inside forever. Don't ever minimize your importance and worth in your children's lives. Without any doubt, you are the most important people in their world.

Parents deserve to be celebrated and congratulated frequently, but most days no one will tell you what an important and terrific job you are doing. Some day, perhaps years from now when your children are adults, they will look back and let you know how much they appreciate what you have done for them. For now, while they are still young, remember that every kiss, hug and smile you get from your child is a celebration of how important you are in their life every day, all year long.

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