Summer 2011
What's Race Got to Do With It?
Maureen and Roger acknowledged to their social worker that they live in a predominantly “white” community. They added, “We’re not concerned about adopting a child from Ethiopia because everyone in our area is so accepting and excited for us!” Of course Maureen and Roger can’t imagine that these “nice” people could be biased against their child. Maureen and Roger are white.
For those of you who follow “On the Horizon” regularly, you know that each edition has a theme. The theme for this edition is racial and cultural identity.
Nurturing our children’s self esteem is one of the many essential roles of parenting. In this edition we challenge parents to “dig deep” and explore what they have done or will do to help their child of color to love himself as he grows and navigates a world where racism continues to rear its ugly head.
I have often told parents to imagine that their child’s racial and cultural identity is an empty piggy bank. If parents do not make the effort to fill that bank with positive associations and references, the banck will be filled by default, with the negative stereotypes and ignorance that are reflected in the media or echoed on the playground.
A useful resource to review is “A Transracially-Adopted Child’s Bill of Rights” created by PACT, An Adoption Alliance.
What are you doing to maintain your child’s “rights” as a transracially adopted person? We hope that this edition of On the Horizon will provide information that will help you to fill your child’s “identity bank” with what he will need to love and value himself as he negotiates his way in a society that continues to struggle with racial and cultural difference.
Pat Hoopes, MSW, LICSW
Director of Clinical Services
Wide Horizons for Children
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Becoming a Transracial Family: A Work in Progress
All I need to do to know that my husband and I have a lot of work ahead of us as transracial adoptive parents is to look at the magazines lined up at the check-out counter of our grocery store. All the white faces remind us that whiteness is still privileged and the “norm” in this country, even though our President is biracial and identifies himself as black. Looking at the magazines sometimes fills me with dismay but most often I feel a sense of resolve and responsibility and fierceness to fight for my children. Our job is to help them develop a positive sense of racial and cultural identities as they grow up. There are so many different things that we need to do, and some of them my husband and I are able to do now, and for other things, we hope to do them in the future. We have two transracially adopted children, but since our daughter is older, I’ll share what we are doing for her (most of it will be the same for our son).
Our daughter was adopted from Guatemala, which has such a complex history and culture. Right now, we focus on all that is positive there; there is plenty of time to go into some of the more difficult aspects of its history and its current economic and political state. When I talk about the Mayan and the Garifuna people (both in her racial heritage), I mention what they are famous for, and how they have survived mistreatment and oppression. I aim to ensure that she understands that narrative as one of survivorship and resistance, one that highlights the strength of the people and not the strength of the oppressors.
In order to develop a sense of pride in the rich culture of Guatemala, we have many items that we purchased on our pick-up trip that we use to decorate the house. We have them up on the walls and talk to her about them. She has some in her own room. They are definitely prized possessions, which I hope helps her to develop a sense of pride in the people who create such art. To help her learn about where she was born, we have kids’ books that relate to Guatemela (e.g. Guatemalan ABC’s, Abuela’s Weave). If we’re reading something unrelated that might touch upon volcanoes or toucans or quetzals, we quickly relate it back to Guatemala; in the sandbox, instead of making sand castles, we will make a pyramid, and I can talk about the famous Tikal pyramid in Guatemala.
We also keep exposing her to different cultures and also to books about adoption. We started reading these before she was really grasping everything, but it helped us to become familiar and comfortable with the stories. We try as much to have books on hand that represent adoption and people of color. One of my major gripes about the children’s picture book industry is that white kids and the standard, homogeneous white and biological family are the mainstays. I once spent a morning in Border’s going through every picture book to find a regular picture book (one not specifically about adoption or about being “different” racially) that had a child of color as the protagonist, and I would have been ecstatic to find a book that would have had a multicultural family as the background. After all of the searching, the only one I found that featured a child of color doing regular childhood things was a Jack Keats book. That was it. Perhaps it’s the result of our community since it is overwhelmingly white, but it was an eye-opener for me, and it made me feel even more passionate and energized to find literature that reflects our children’s reality.
Traditions and food are an important part of our introducing her to her cultural heritage, and as she grows and can understand the complexities within the details of some of the traditions, the more we can share with her. A friend of ours who lives in a more diverse city than we do, brought us tamales and a cookie around Christmas since those are part of traditional Christmas meals in Guatemala. We often include black beans in our meals, and we tell her the story of how she ate them sitting on my lap while we were in Guatemala. She knows what the national bird of Guatemala is, but as I write this, I realize she doesn’t know what the national bird of the U.S. is, nor does she know about prairies too much, but she knows about rain forests. We plan to make our own “sawdust carpets” for the next Easter so that she can connect to the idea of the Semana Santa that is Guatemala’s biggest holiday. On Day of the Dead, we plan to fly kites, and even make our own as they do in Guatemala and think about our loved ones who have departed the earth.
For about a year now, she has shown a growing awareness about the color of people’s skin; she loves the fact that she and her brother have similar skin tones, and she loves to read Karen Katz’s The Colors of Us and figure out what words best describe our skin tones; we even go to the kitchen cabinet to see the actual spices. I am along the lines of a nutmeg, and she is clove while Dad might be a light shade of cinnamon. It was a revelation to me that I had no idea how to describe my skin shade beyond the olive that has been remarked on for most of my life. Dad is a woodworker, and wood makes a great comparison for skin tones. Her skin tone is similar to cherry while mine is a darker shade of maple. We’ve made it into a fun activity to look around us and talk about the different beautiful shades of color and how absolutely wonderful it is that so much detail and complexity exists in the world. Other books that promote a strong pride and have a fun take on skin color are The Skin You Live In and the two bell hooks books we have. She gets to watch some television, and in that area, we make sure that she is exposed to multiculturalism too. (I do get a little irked with the shows that feature animals such as a white bunny or a white pig, but who have best friends who are brown. Why can’t the main protagonist and her family be brown or varying shades of brown?) We make sure she watches Little Bill, which has an African American family take center stage, and Sid the Science Kid which has an interracial family just so that when a family is presented on the television it is not always a white family with identical features.
Transracial Adoption: It Will Change Your Family Forever
A blog worth paying attention to! In this era of the world wide web, it can be like navigating a complex maze to find information that is helpful and meets ethical standards with which you are comfortable. There are many items worth paying attention to. And there are items that are disturbing. Weeding through websites, blogs, and sites such as You Tube can take time and energy if you are trying to find information that validates your experience and enriches your parenting. In our resource list, we have tried to provide some resources that are rich in content and represent solid ethics. One blog that is full of rich text and is backed by citations of current research is one by Carolyn Berger, LCSW. This one is worth the read! |
Another priority in the house is that dolls and the images on clothes are multicultural. Our daughter has dolls of all shades; most of the multicultural dolls have been bought by us because some family members still don’t quite understand the value of dolls that reflect our daughter’s heritage. I think , though, as they see her with her dolls of different skin tones, they are beginning to understand how important is for her to connect with a doll that looks like her. Clothes are the same issue; our families are beginning to buy her clothes with children of color on them instead of always have a white child on them (it’s usually Dora The Explorer, but that’s a start). It’s not that she doesn’t have any white kids on any of her clothes, it’s just that majority of what we put on her have kids with darker skin tones. Another dimension we have been focusing on though it’s difficult in our rural area, is to develop friendships in the area with other transracial and adoptive families. We try to make sure that we see each other so as to “normalize” the idea of the transracial family. A major gap in our lives is the lack of diversity in our adult friends, which is mostly the result again of where we live. There is an African-American family who recently moved in our subdivision whom we would like to get to know. |
We celebrate differences—we make sure that it is just a habit of mind that we privilege the idea of difference from having different shoes from one’s friends to having different interests to having different cultural backgrounds. One thing my husband and I have been a little slow in doing is incorporating our own cultural backgrounds into meals. We do a little but probably not in enough repetition to get the message to sink in quite yet. When there is the opportunity, we delight in learning about a different cultural practice, activity (we do some games that are from around the world), food, holidays, etc. A major theme in our house is how amazing the world is, and that extends from nature around us, to our bodies, to all of the different kinds of people there are.
Because some of the more important factors that contribute to a positive racial identity are missing from where we live (access to friends, coaches, teachers, etc., of color), we are trying to sell our house and move to the Chicago area. It’s a city with which we’re familiar and have family in the area, so it’s a natural move--a big one, but one we feel absolutely committed to.
Of course, we nurture her self-esteem in the typical ways, scaffolding her until she can do something independently, encouraging her to persevere in tasks, and giving her the opportunity to do things she truly enjoys (like music and dancing). I also read at one time that it’s important to give your family its own identity, so for us, it’s taking care of the earth, books, and everyone having a special, different hobby.
Developing our children’s self-esteem as people of color while growing up amidst a family of predominantly white people will not be easy; it will be filled with challenges, learning, and expansion, not only of our kids’ lives, but also ours. We hope that our children’s upbringing creates such a depth of pride in their heritage and positive self-esteem that they will be able to weather the intolerances, if not outright prejudices, that they may encounter as they grow.
Looking beyond racism
By Carolyn Libelo
Just moments before we walked into the festival, my son Tony grabbed my arm and whispered fiercely, “Please, can we tell everyone that I was born in France?” I didn’t have a moment to think about what he was asking and we were through the doors and into the school. The place was packed already; family groups moving through the halls and each classroom set up as a different activity. We entered the sea of people toward the registration table to pick up our name tags. While we signed in and added our names to the mailing list, I got a chance to look around and study the scene. Most families looked different, which means that they looked like our family; a Caucasian mom and dad, and one or more brown children. Even within this group there were some nuances, a few families had two moms or just one parent. A few had Caucasian or Asian or African American children in addition to their adoptive children from Guatemala. No one looked like they were born in France. I wondered then, why did my son want to say he was from France?
At Guatemala Family Day we were here to show our children that families are created in many ways. Of course, in our suburban town there were very few families that were similar to ours. With Tony still so young, I hardly realized that he noticed the differences. This was my mistake and perhaps the mistake of other families like ours. Tony noticed everything. Why wouldn’t he notice that no one else in kindergarten looked like him? He noticed that my favorite book to read together that year was “We’re different, we’re the same.” Everyone in school has two ears and a nose; most have a mom and a dad and most are brown or blonde haired. Tony has black hair and black eyes.
~ WHFC adoptive parent
Ten years later and racial differences in our family only appear now and again and in very subtle ways. Recently Tony came home and announced that he had a girlfriend. This was not surprising; he is in middle school and has watched his older brother “go out” with girls. Tony told me about her in general, teenage ways, “She’s smart, in the band and good at cross country”. Later that night I found her in the year book. She was also brown. I know that they met because they have lockers next to each other. I know that they enjoy having lunch together, and sit together at band practice. However, I also know that there are not many minorities in our school. I wonder if they are drawn to each other because they are “different and the same”? I realize that it is an unanswerable question, especially from my pale skin perspective. I will never know what Tony sees from his black eyes or how separate he feels in the halls of his school.
Within our family there is no majority. We are all a spectrum of light to dark. I am the most pale. Then Diego, my oldest son, born in Guatemala is nearly as pale as I am. My husband and my younger son, Tony, are each brown and tan. My husband has Filipino heritage and this creates a great bond for my darker son. He would often comment that when we are all together it is as if no one could tell that he was adopted. He enjoys the anonymity that being with his father gives him. He does not enjoy the double takes that strangers give him when he is walking with only me. I recently asked him what race meant to him and he replied that it meant the color of your skin. I tried to push him on this and asked him if it meant anything beyond skin color. He struggled to put words to his thoughts, but proudly came through with “I think it is part of your personality, the part that is from where you were born.” We talked further, discussing the various skin colors found in every country, even the shades within Guatemala.
It is important to expand the discussion of race beyond skin color, by connecting race, ethnicity and culture. In our family, we have discussed the differences in our skin color and eye color and body shape. We have discussed how adoptive families are made and that all families have unique qualities and personal stories. We have adhered to the idea that it is important for every parent to teach their children to see beyond racism and to have an appreciation for their race. We had not discussed what racial differences really mean, until we began planning a family trip to Guatemala.
In preparation for our trip we went to a local museum that had a special exhibit on Mayan culture and while it was not exciting for the boys on the surface, it prompted some interesting discussion. We were able to appreciate the impressive civilization of the Maya that occurred prior to Spanish conquistadors. This gave the boys pride and confidence in their race and an understanding of the history of race in Guatemala. Then later while we were visiting the Mayan ruins in Guatemala we were able to connect the artifacts on display and the culture that we were experiencing.
We visited Guatemala last spring as a family for the first time. It was amazing to watch the layers of wonder and understanding that came to each of the boys, but especially Tony each day. Day one, when he stepped off the plane, he stared at the crowds of look -a-likes and whispered a few times to me “Mom, they all look like me, all of them.” By day five, he found hilarity in the stares that I received when we walked down the avenue in Guatemala City. He laughed at my discomfort when strangers would puzzle over our hand holding. When we left on day seven he was the happiest that I had ever seen him. Tony was for the first time at ease with the people around him and happy to be an invisible part of a crowd.
According to Webster, the definition of race says “a: a family, tribe, people, or nation belonging to the same stock b: a class or kind of people unified by shared interests, habits, or characteristics”.
I used this definition in our family conversations to expand our view on race to be inclusive of ethnicity and roots to a country. I did not want my sons to feel that they were defined by their brown skin, and that brown skin was their race. The trip to Guatemala made it easier to bridge the discussion of skin color and minorities at school and a connection to a culture. There were no words or textbooks required for Tony to see the race of people that unify him to the country of Guatemala. He knows that in his birth country he is a part of a population and its history.
We adopted our children internationally believing that an interracial family was something to be explored and celebrated. It has been exciting to also embrace our adopted country and integrate another culture into our family rituals. In our house we have learned to cook empanadas and decorate our beds with brightly colored hand made textiles. It is still a struggle to bind the two cultures without a seam. We strive to include the folk tales and holidays of Guatemala. However these traditions only happen deliberately and with extra effort.
Many families, and especially multiracial families, will have to learn about race as it relates to racism. However, we have found many important opportunities to build our children’s self esteem and knowledge of the world by teaching them the importance of their race. We believe from this, when confronted with prejudice, our children will be better equipped to respond if they have confidence in their heritage and are comfortable with where they came from. By giving our children a strong identity and deep knowledge about their birth country, we believe that we are giving them the tools to confront others when faced with queries and comments.
Tony might never be comfortable with sharing his adoption story. Except that with information and facts about the culture and people of his birth county he might be able to respond with confidence when someone asks him why he doesn’t look like his mom.
Carolyn and her husband, Lee live North of Boston with their sons, Tony and Diego who are adopted from Guatemala, with the help of Wide Horizons. They live near the ocean and especially enjoy sailing and dinners at the beach. Carolyn is currently writing a book about Guatemala and her adoption experience.
Additional Resources on Transracial Adoption
Books for Parents:
Inside Transracial Adoption, by Gail Steinberg and Myra Alperson
Dim Sum, Bagels and Grits: A Sourcebook For Multicultural Families, by Myra Alperson
Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multicultural Children, by Donna Jackson Nakazawa
Books for Children:
Dealing With Racism, by Jen Green
The Colors of Us, by Karen Katz
Racism Explained to My Daughter, by Tahar Ben Jelloun
Comeunity.com listing of Multiracial Diversity books for children
Interracial Children's Books Author Cynthia Leitich Smith's list of picture books with interracial family themes
Periodicals:
The Color of Life Adoptive Families Magazine: Transracial adoption resources
Websites:
Conspicuous Families: Race, Culture and Adoption, an online course from Adoption Learning Partners
Race and Culture, an online course from Heart of the Matter Seminars
Transracial/ Transcultural Parenting
Coloring Between the Lines, blog posting on white privelege
Camps:
Pact: An Adoption Alliance
Review by Nicole Fischenich
Pact is a non-profit organization, based in the San Francisco area, started by two adoptive parents in 1991. Pact’s mission is to provide adoption-related services to children of color and their birth parents and adoptive parents. Pact accomplishes this by offering educational events, consultation and access to resources for members of the adoption triad. It provides post-placement opportunities for families raising children of color, whether through a same-race, transracial or international adoption.
Although Pact is physically based in California, its website offers extensive resources for adoptive and birth families around the country. Families will find articles on issues related to race in adoption, links to other resources and opportunities to interact with other members of the triad. Many of these resources are free, while consultations with Pact staff and some events have a fee.
I highly recommend adoptive families, as well as birth parents and adopted adults, browse the Pact website as there truly is something for everyone.
MOVIE REVIEW: Kung Fu Panda 2
Directed by Jennifer Yuh Nelson
Review written by Marybeth Hay, Adoptive Parent
Thanks to Po, I think I’m on my way to discovering inner peace.
Like any mom, I tend to over think things - especially when the kids are involved. No time was this more true than when we were invited by family friends to see Kung Fu Panda 2.
Honestly, I was a bit out of the loop and didn’t know the movie was going to deal with Po’s search for identity after discovering his adoption. Thanks to my keen friend for the tip off!!
The movie stars our good friends the Furious Five, the Dragon Warrior and Master Shi Fu. Life in China seems to be back to normal after the defeat of Tai Lung.
Soon enough, a new villain threatens the peace and harmony in the lives of our heroes - and Po and Company are back in action! The movie follows the standard formula of good guys chasing bad guys but with the undercurrent of Po’s search for his ‘true self’, his identity.
This secondary plot involves Po questioning where he came from, and who he is. He’s recently realized his adoption and he wants to know more. From the time he was a baby, Po was loving cared for, nurtured, and taught by his father, Mr. Ping, the noodle selling goose. Po asks his Dad for more information, and the two share fond, love filled memories of Po’s early years.
The villain in this new chapter has some family issues of his own. He was sent away by his parents when he showed an affinity for the darker side of life. Lord Shen, the antagonist, sets out to defeat a warrior of black and white foretold of by a soothsayer. To this end, Shen and his army of wolves set out to destroy the Giant Panda population.
A marking on one of the wolves triggers flashbacks for Po to his early childhood. The memories both intrigue and frighten him. Eventually, the story becomes clear to Po - and he grieves the loss of his birth parents but overcomes the sadness to defeat Lord Shen. He discovers who he is and gains inner peace.
As an adoptive mom, I’m fierce about how adoption is portrayed in the media - I never want my kids to feel ashamed or embarrassed by their adoptions. This movie appropriately shows the struggle many adopted kids have with a past that may be unclear and the questions they need answered to move on towards their own inner peace in the future.
Being who I am, I researched the movie, read reviews and prepared myself for any questions my kids might have. I was ready for anything!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Stop reading here if you don’t want to know the ending!!!
The end of the movie shows Po returning home to his father’s noodle restaurant, ready to live the life he’s destined for. As the credits are about to roll, the audience is shown the image of a rice patty filled with pandas and one Giant Panda, turning and saying, “My son is alive!” - This scene leaves the audience wondering, “Is this Panda, Po’s birth father?” “What’s going to happen now!?” And, alas, we’re left hanging. Will there be a KFP3 to answer these questions? We’ll just have to wait and see.
My son’s questions were similar to the above. He wanted to know if the Giant Panda was Po’s birth father - because, as he said, “Po’s REAL dad is Mr. Ping, the goose.” He also wanted to know how Mr. Ping might feel if the panda is Po’s biological dad - and I had to answer him in the best way I knew, “I don’t know, honey. How do you think he felt?” My son answered, “Mom, I bet he’d be happy - like we are. His family just keeps getting bigger!“ *(Mature answer for a 6 year old, but, it comes from experience - our family expanded this spring with the discovery of three of our son’s birth siblings and their families!)
Letting the kids know that we don’t always have the answer leaves room for discussion and further thought. Honesty is the best policy - It keeps the door to communication wide open. However, forewarned is forearmed . If you have questions about a movie or book, read the reviews, ask friends for their thoughts, and remember, being open is the way to inner peace.
Post Script - As further information and support for adoptive families, the movie, The Secrets of the Furious Five, discloses Tigress’ life as an orphan and her emotional struggles while she waits for her forever family. After years of heartbreaking waiting, Master Shi Fu adopts Tigress and then creates the Furious Five.
ASK THE SOCIAL WORKER
Dear Social Worker,
My husband and I adopted a three year old from Ethiopia six years ago and he is now nine years old and doing wonderfully. Although we are both white and we have two biological children, our son has never shown any interest in talking about race. Do we need to push him to have these discussions or should we wait for him to bring it up?
Sincerely,
Rebecca from CA
Dear Rebecca,
It is absolutely normal that your nine year old boy is not initiating conversations about race. Nine year olds tend to be concerned with matters of immediate importance: the latest game for their computer, soccer and getting your permission to stay up late. On the other hand, nine year olds are developmentally able to understand and discuss many more complex subjects, including race. They know, for example, that race is not something you can change, that skin color does not wash off. When they are shown pictures, they can categorize people by race. They are also old enough to begin to notice that people of different racial groups are sometimes treated differently. It is important that you and your husband continue to talk about race in your family. Whether your son is discussing it or not, he is learning about race every day and it is important that you as is parent play a role in helping him understand and make sense of what he is learning.
It is important to recognize, however, that discussions about race do not need to be focused on your Ethiopian child. In fact, singling your son out may make him feel different or outside the rest of the members of the family. Race is something that has relevance in all of our lives, whether we have thought about it much or not. If you are a white parent of a child of color, one first step you can take is to understand the role of race in your own life. Talk to your spouse, other parents, and friends about their experiences and perspectives about race – your whole family can be enriched by this experience. If your son is present during some of these discussions, he may ask some questions or learn some language to use if he has questions in the future. One excellent tool for beginning to look at race in your own life is Peggy Macintosh’s article White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, referenced in the resource list in this newsletter.
In addition to discussing race more broadly, it is critical that you teach your son about being black in America. Like so many things we teach our children, the best way is through example. White parents, even those with a history of fighting against racism and injustice, are at a disadvantage. If you live in a racially diverse area and have a racially integrated social circle, you can talk with the black adults you are closest to about their experience of race at different developmental stages and about when they experienced racism. Don’t be afraid to seek their advice and counsel about your child’s social and academic life as it may relate to his race. Of course, if people of color are integrated into the family, your son will also be able to seek them out with questions. If you are in a racially segregated environment, I would recommend that you renew your efforts to racially integrate your life. Again, your focus should not be on your son (finding him role models or friends of the same race) but on the whole family. You can consider moving to a more racially diverse town even if it means a harder commute or more challenges with the schools. You could drive further to a more racially integrated church, deepen your social connections with non-white acquaintances and seek out the services of non-white professionals- doctors, teachers, and ministers. Spending time or living in a more racially diverse environment will give every member of your family a range of wonderful experiences that were not available to them in a more homogeneous world and will benefit your son in many, many ways. Adults of color raised by white parents consistently report that they craved more relationships people of their race when they were children and believe this would have benefitted them in their adult lives.
Wishing you the best as you work closely with your son.
Lisa Lovett, MSW, LICSW
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Seeking “Red Thread Families” for Adoption Research Study
Chinese adoptive parent and certified school counselor looking for Chinese adoptees between the ages of 16 and 21, and their parent(s), to participate in a doctoral research study entitled, “Daughters of China: An Examination of the Home, School, and Community Experiences of Young Adult and Adolescent Chinese Adoptees”. The goal of this study is to give a voice to this older group of adoptees by providing them an opportunity to share their experiences from their own perspective. Volunteers will be asked to participate in personal interviews in their own home. If interested, download the flyer for more information.
EDUCATIONAL & CULTURAL EVENTS
WHFC workshops and family events - Register Today!
| Date | Event | Location |
| 6/25/2011 | Aggieman Triathlon - proceeds to benefit WHFC Humanitarian Aid | Eliot, ME |
| 7/21/2011 | Seeing In Color | Online |
| 8/7/2011 | Paw Sox Outing - Hosted by RI PAC | Pawtucket, RI |
| 8/13/2011 | Western MA & Greater Albany Summer Picnic | Grafton, NY |
| 8/21/2011 | Beach Day - Hosted by RI PAC | Narragansett, RI |
| 9/11/2011 | Family Day at Roger Williams Park Zoo | Providence, RI |
| TBD | Through the Rabbit Hole: How do I make sense of my adopted child's school experience? | Online |
| 9/19/2011 | Catching Kids Before The Fall: How Sensory Processing Disorder affects learning and behavior | Online |
Additional events are added frequently. View the complete schedule and register online.
Published by Wide Horizons for Children, Inc. 38 Edge Hill Road, Waltham, MA 02451
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