Post Adoption E-newsletter

Q: I have two children (11 and 9) who were both adopted from Eastern Europe. The recent news regarding the 7-year-old boy from Russia who was sent back to his birth country by his adoptive mother has been very stressful for me. My husband and I have discussed it since the story was released on television. I am wondering if I should discuss it with my children. They have not asked anything about it, but it certainly seems to be a topic of conversation everywhere we go.

A: Your question is one that has been on the minds of many parents - not only adoptive parents. At a recent adoption conference, WHFC staff received several similar inquiries. The vent involving the child from Russia has brought a lot of conversation regarding the concept of adoption and bringing children in to their "forever families."

Your realization that the children may be hearing this story from the news or other friends is right on target. Whether it is in the newspaper, on television/radio or the internet, they are clearly exposed to the enws media as well as discussions at school or amongst friends. Since you have a reaction to it yourself, you will want to find a time to talk openly with your children about it. The recommendation would be to discuss it as a family, sharing your feelings as a mother and more specifically, as an adoptive mother with two internationally adopted children. You will want to emphasize with your children that they are both an important part of your family and that they will be with you forever. Be sure tot ell them that case triggered a great deal of response from people whose lives have been touched by adoption and that it is okay for them to have some thoughts/or feelings about it. Let them know that you are always available to tlak further about it.

Although there are adoptions that disrupt, the vast majority of adoptions do not.

Questions regarding adoption come up at different times for various members of a family. Please feel free to contact one of the post adoption counselors at Wide Horizons For Children to discuss your personal family needs. Call your local WHFC office or email us at postadopt@whfc.org.

BOOK REVIEW: Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Fit In - When to Worry and When Not to Worry

Written by Dr. Perri Klass and Dr. Eileen Costello
Review written by Pat Hoopes, MSW, LICSW

While some children's symptoms do result in a diagnosis such as Asperger's Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or Sensory-Integration Dysfunction, others do not. In their book Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn't Fit In - When to Worry and When Not to Worry, Drs. Perri Klass and Eileen Costello offer suggestions to parents on how to decide whether your child's "quirkiness" warrants a call to the doctor.

First and foremost, they ask parents to consider how persistent their worry about their child's behavior is. Some "quirky" behaviors can be associated with developmental stages that the child outgrows or may rise as the result of stress or a significant transition. These may include a move to a new neighborhood or school, parental separation or the death of a loved one. If, on the other hand, your child's quirky behavior continues over a period of time without a precipitating even or the behavior feels all consuming to the child and parents, it is probably time for a consultation.

Some of the associated diagnoses may overlap or are part of a larger spectrum such as autism. Your child's functioning within the diagnosis may be mild to severe. These behaviors can result in your child's experience of his world as a frustrating and rejecting place. These children are often misunderstood by parents, siblings, peers, child care providers, other parents and school personnel. The children are often the objects of teasing, bullying, ridicule, and rejection. WOrse yet, the child doesn't understand him or herself. These behaviors undiagnosed and untreated, can significantly damage a child's self image.

If your child exhibits one or more of these behaviors, or any behavior that is persistent, results in negative consequences for the child, or is disruptive to the routine and needs of the family as a whole, it is probably time for an evaluation.

This book is recommended for all parents who worry about their "quirky kids"
Understanding the cause of the behavior will help parents cope as they realize that the behaviors are not willful, but something the child cannot control. Today there are a number of therapeutic interventions that can stop, decrease or effectively manage these behaviors. Start by speaking with your pediatrician. Learning to understand and control these difficult behaviors will significantly improve your and your child's life.

Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn't Fit In - When to Worry and When Not to Worry is available on Amazon.com or at major bookstores, such as Barnes & Noble.

When Boys are Bullies and Girls Are Mean

Cheryl's 10-year-old son came home from school in tears, saying, "Why did you have to adopt me anyway?" After some gentle questioning, she learned that some boys had pushed him in the schoolyard, saying that adopted kids weren't allowed to play kickball.

Bullying, teasing, and exclusion are among the worst experiences of childhood, and may be especially painful for adopted children. Some kids may be acutely aware of the "different" way their family was formed and feel that they themselves are somehow different. When targeted directly, as Cheryl's son was, the hurt can run deep.

Does my child have Sensory Integration Dysfunction or is it something else?

As an adoptive parent, I always find myself walking that fine line of questioning whether my child's behavior is "typical of a bio child" or "adoption related."

Although my husband and I believe that some of our son Frankie's challenging behavior is probably a result of not getting the attention he needed during the first 14 months of his life, we ill never know for sure. But the one thing we do know, and would like to share with you in this article, is our journey to date in trying to decode his behavior.

Ever since bringing Frankie home from Russia in 2002, he seemed very afraid of large groups of people and did not easily engage with groups of kids his own age. This was the first sign that something was bothering him. And while I can say that the sound of his sister's screams goes right through me too, Frankie's reaction to them had been unusually aggressive including hitting her or throwing toys at her.

Academically, Frankie is a bright student, but early on his preschool teachers noted that he seemed anxious when crowded by other classmates or when groups of kids walked by him. These behaviors appeared minor and did not seem to interfere with his learning, but they were starting to interfere with him socially. At home, we noticed that Frankie was also anxious about taking the bus to school. He eventually agreed to take the bus home two afternoons a week, but was obviously stressed out by it.

MOVIE REVIEW: Martian Child

The movie Martian Child stars John Cusack as a widower who decides to pursue the dream he and his late wife had of adopting a child. Initially hesitant and uncertain if he can raise a child as a single parent, Cusack decides to adopt from the foster care system. He is matched with a six-year-old boy, Dennis, who seems to be in his own little world. Dennis thinks he is from Mars and spends most of his time in a cardboard box. The social worker explains that Dennis is a "hard-to-place" child due to his odd behavior and trauma history. Cusack visits the little boy and gradually builds a relationship with him, and eventually Dennis begins living with him.

The rest of the movie shows the challenges as well as the rewards of parenting a child who is different. Dennis truly believes he is from Mars and has to "learn human beings." Cusack can see the function of the boy's fantasy given his history. He relates to Dennis particularly as he was a quirky child himself and now is a science fiction writer. However others, including the child welfare agency, do not see the situation in the same way. They want Dennis to become "like everyone else" and believe Cusack is failing as a parent by allowing him to live in his fantasy world and engage in his unusual behavior, such as wearing a "holding down" belt so that he does not disappear. Cusack struggles with allowing the child to be himself while helping be a part of society.

This movie presents older child adoption in a farily positive manner, while not always showing the real-life nuances of adoption (a home study is not mentioned, a social worker is found peering in their window unannounced). Its poignant portrayal of the love that an adoptive father has for his extraordinary son makes up for any shortcomings. Martian Child shows that parenting an older quirky child is difficult, but that part of their quirkiness is what makes them unique and endearing. I would recommend this movie to anyone who has adopted an older child or just a "quirky" child!

ASK THE SOCIAL WORKER

Dear Social Worker,

My husband and I adopted our son from Ethiopia two months ago. He is three years old. Things are going well for the most part. He was initially very sad and seemed very confused. We tried to comfort him and help him adjust to everything being so different and new. People are amazed at how quickly he is picking up English and how well he is interacting with family and friends.

My question is simple. He seems more attached to my husband than me. This really bothers me and I am quickly losing my confidence as a mom. Is this normal, that a child will bond more with one parent than the other? Is there anything I can do to help him attach to me? I am scared that if I don't do something now, it will get worse. Please help!

Sincerely,
Melinda S from NJ

Dear Melinda,

Please know that I have heard this question time and time again. It is not uncommon for a child to bond with one parent more easily and quickly than the other. You are not necessarily doing anything wrong. There are a number of reasons why this may be happening. There are also a number of things that you can do to help strengthen the bond with your child in these early stages. It is wonderful and very important that you have recognized this and are willing to do some work to help strengthen the attachment between you and your son.

Reasons why your child may be responding to your husband differently are many. It may be his particular manner or style with your son, your son's previous experience with men or women, your son's feelings of loss regarding male or female caregivers, or the amount of time that each of you spends with your son. It may be a combination of factors, as well. Regardless of the reason, let's look at what you can do.

Remember that your son's first day with you is the first day in his attachment to you and your husband. True, healthy attachment happens slowly and strengthens with time. If a child is clingy, this can be insecure attachment.

Some Suggestions

Be sure that you each have some individual time with your child each day. Choose something to do that is a bit younger than what you would typically do for a child his age and is nurturing. For example, play pat a cake, rub noses, or the "this little piggy" game with his toes.
Share in the tasks of daily care. For example, one of you has the morning routine and one has the bathing and night time routines.
Find a nurturing activity that he tolerates and enjoys. You should do this with him regularly. For example, cuddle time when reading in the rocking chair, or roll him up in a soft blanket and tickle. Call it "piggy in a blanket" time.
He may respond well to deep touch (a big, strong hug) and he may not. Find out. If he responds well, then snuggle time, time on your lap, and tickle or wrestling time on the floor may be a wonderful, nurturing time with him. If not, make that your goal for him; to tolerate touch in a nurturing way from you. For example, work towards it by first sitting next to him to read. Work toward snuggle and read time.

Your son should slowly build trust and build a healthy attachment to both you and your husband. Be patient and know that it is a process. If you are still feeling uncomfortable with his level of attachment to you after the first six months, you should certainly seek the support of a local counselor who understands and specializes in adoption. There are many who can understand and help.

I wish you the best as you get to know your son and find ways to connect.

Barb Drotos, LICSW
Post Adoption Counselor, NH and VT Offices

CULTURAL EVENTS AT WHFC

The 9th Annual WHFC China Culture Camp drew families from all over New England and New York to Marlborough High School on Saturday, March 27, 2010. The full-day culture camp had 102 children and 111 adults registered and the Preview to culture camp attracted 31 kids and 51 adults bringing the grand total to 295 people!

Vendors were set up in the lobby of the high school that we called the Cultural Marketplace to sell cultural items, DVDs, and provide information for heritage travel, student exchange programs and journaling. Our families were able to enjoy the Cultural Marketplace during registration, lunch and at the end of the day.

Boisterous Chinese drumming and a myriad of Chinese dances were performance by young people in colorful costumes by the Cambridge Center for Chinese Culture in the morning. After the performances, the children and teens split into small groups with their camp counselors of Asian heritage for sessions that featured activities based on the Year of the Tiger. The children were also treated to learning some basic dance moves by the young women who had performed earlier. The parents attended a panel discussion titled "Adoptee Perspectives" which was very moving.

Lunch was catered by China Taste and the cafeteria was filled with the laughter of children making new friends and eating delicious food. The afternoon options for the parents included "Homeland Travel", "Keeping Cultural Connections Alive", "Talking With Your Child About Adoption", "Talking With Your Older Child About Adoption", and "Attachment Through the Years". Following the afternoon sessions, we had our "Final Connections" time which allowed families to try craft or game activities together in the cafeteria, connect with former China travel friends, or visit the vendors again.

2010 POST ADOPTION SURVEY

Earlier this year, the Post Adoption Support and Education team conducted a survey that was completed by 1,272 families who adopted children through Wide Horizons For Children. The focus of the survey was to find out what issues adoptive parents may be facing and what resources have been or might be helpful. The majority of the respondents (70%) have adopted one child through WHFC, with an additional 26% adopting two children. As shown in the chart below, most of the adoptions have occurred within the past 3 years.

WHFC POST ADOPT SERVICES: Who Are We and What Do We Do?

Mission Statement:
WHFC recognizes that adoption is a lifelong process for all members of the adoption triad — birth families, adoptive families and adopted persons. We acknowledge that this journey is unique for each individual and family. WHFC's Post Adopt Support and Education (PASE) team assists this journey by providing opportunities for birth family/adoptive family connections, celebrations of birth culture, referral to community resources and consultation on adoption and parenting concerns.

From our recent post adoption survey, we learned that many of you are unfamiliar with Wide Horizons' Post Adoption Services.

First, our post adoption services are provided by our PASE (Post Adoption Support and Education) team. To meet our team, visit www.whfc.org. This team, in collaboration with other WHFC staff, provide the following post adoption services:

Beyond The Horizon
WHFC's post adoption newsletter is created and published by our PASE team. It is available to all WHFC applicants and post adopt families who have a current email address on file with us. If you know of a WHFC post adopt family who does not currently, but would like to receive this newsletter, you can do the following:

The purpose of the newsletter is to provide our families with information and resources to support their parenting through adoption. Each edition aims to raise awareness about post adoption issues, provide useful information and resources. Each newsletter has a theme and the articles and resources are built around that theme. Most editions include articles by professionals, adoptive families and include a review of a book and/or movie relevant to post adoption. The theme of our last edition was "attachment." This edition's theme is "Quirky Kids." Previous editions of Beyond The Horizon, can be found on our website. If you have comments on this or past editions, or have suggestions for future editions, please email Pat Hoopes at phoopes@whfc.org.

Consultation
Our PASE staff are available by phone or via email for your post adopt questions and concerns. Many of these contacts come from parents who want advice about their child's adoption questions, behavior or school issues.

The role of the post adoption counselor in receiving your questions, concerns or requests for information is to assist you in defining the problem if there is one, offering simple advice if warranted or suggesting resources for the parents to follow up on .

Domestic and International Search for Information and Connections
We are hearing from increasing numbers of parents and adult adoptees who are interested in obtaining information about birth family or want to discuss the possibility of contact with birth parents. On occasion, we hear from birth parents requesting information or contact as well. Our PASE counselors will understand your request, discuss your readiness, review your file and assist you further when possible. More information on International and Domestic Search services is available in the Post Adoption section of our website.

Workshops for adoptive families
Our PASE counselors along with other WHFC clinical staff speak at workshops and conferences geared toward post adoptive families and adoption professionals. The PASE counselors develop and lead many of the workshops offered at WHFC's annual China and Korean Culture Camps. They also collaborate with local agencies in offering topic driven post adoption speaker series. This coming year, we will be experimenting with post adoption webinars and teleconferencing for post adopt families.

Post Adoption website
Our PASE team collaborates with the agency's Web Project Manager to create and maintain the WHFC Post Adoption website. This website includes information on our post adopt services, articles by families and professionals, recommended reading, as well as links to a wide variety of local and national resources. You can find this site at www.whfc.org/postadopt. In the near future, this site will have a new look... stay tuned!

Going Forward
We are grateful to all the families who took time to respond to our survey and share thoughts and ideas on post adoption services. We are currently in the planning stages for the next fiscal year. As is often the case, it is a challenge to provide the services we want in context of budgetary constraints, but we are working on it!!!

Meet the Team
Our Post Adoption team of counselors is dedicated to providing clinical and program support to families. Learn more and contact one of our counselors with your questions.

In this issue...

How to respond to your child's inquiries regarding recent adoption case in the news