Fall 2010
Searching in Cyberspace
This morning an adoptive mom told me that her twenty year old daughter, adopted from Russia at age four, searches the internet for sites showing Russian orphanages and waiting children. An eighteen year old recently told us he found his birth mother on Facebook. Meanwhile, thousands of adoptees read blogs and chat online with others from their country, province and sometimes even orphanage.
Today, technology is all about connections. There are endless sites promising to help you find the love of your life or a long lost relative. Historically, adopted persons reconciled themselves that their birth connections were "somewhere out there" in the universe and would likely remain there. Advances in technology are changing all that.
While current technology will prove to be enormously helpful to many adopted persons, giving them access to long lost birth connections, it may also open doors that some are not ready to pass through. Adoption professionals have begun recognizing the pros and cons of today's advanced technology and are prepared to help all members of the adoption triad to think through these opportunities and challenges.
This edition of Beyond the Horizon focuses on the changing face of social media. While we don't know what advances in technology will bring, we do know that secrecy in adoption is a thing of the past.
NEW from WHFC!
We will be sending out time sensitive information by email when there is an upcoming conference or event. Keep your eyes open and check your email in the coming month for one of our email blasts!
In this issue...
A Pocket Guide to Social Media and Kids
MOVIE REVIEW: The Kids Are All Right
FAMILY STORY: When I was young in Awasa
EDUCATIONAL & CULTURAL EVENTS AT WHFC
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"Get a Facebook" she says!
By Barb Drotos, LICSW
When I asked 16 year old Chelsea what her advice would be to other adoptive kids regarding social media, she quickly replies, "Get a Facebook!" It was that simple. Throughout our interview, she remarks with enthusiasm that it is the way to get connected and remain connected to friends and family. All kinds of family, that is.
Chelsea has a story not unlike many other kids in adoption. She has the desire and need to connect to her siblings and birth parents. An energetic and talkative teenager, social media has proven to be a clear and simple tool for her to find and to stay in touch with relatives and friends.
It is not uncommon for today’s teens to have a Facebook account and to also use other forms of social media. Yet as parents and professionals, we are not always as savvy as they are in using this form of media. I learned much from Chelsea in our short time together. I learned about her priorities, her perception of the relationships in her life, and her search for identity as an adolescent.
Barb (B): Hi, Chelsea. How old are you?
Chelsea (C): 16. Well, just turned 16 last month.
B: What types of social media do you use?
C: Facebook, just Facebook.
B: How frequently do you use it?
C: Not that much. My mom does not let me use it but I do anyway. I have over 400 "friends."
~ WHFC adoptive parent
B: Why doesn’t she let you use it?
C: I don’t know. I think trust. It’s an issue we are working on.
B: So, would you say you are on Facebook once a week, once a day?
C: I’d say up to once a day.
B: Do you communicate with friends or family?
C: Both!
B: Can you give me some examples of topics of conversation? What do you talk about on-line?
C: Lots of things. School, friends. I also found my birth dad. Well, he found me. Through this other guy who I don’t even know! He wrote to me and told me that my dad was looking for me. So, I wrote to him. He lives in Kansas, though, so I have not met him and probably won’t ever. I also met my brother and uncle on Facebook. It was good to find out a few things, since I never met my dad. It was cool. I didn’t even know that I had an older brother and I found that out. I was psyched. I like writing to him.
Read more at www.whfc.org.
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A Pocket Guide to Social Media and Kids
To adults, cell phones are a communications device. To children, they are a lifeline. Consider that the average 13-17 year old sends more than 2,000 text messages per month. Compared with the total mobile Internet population, teens are much bigger consumers of social media, music, games, videos/movies and technology/science.
Parental use of advanced data services mirrors that of their tween kids. If their children text, then 80% of parents will text as well. Although following their kids’ lead on devices and media, parents still set limits. Six in ten forbid downloads onto their children’s phone for financial and security reasons.
Read more at blog.nielsen.com.
Social Media + Family
How can a person juggle family life with the demands of keeping up with the many conversations, news and information, and constantly evolving technology in an increasingly connected world?
If you’re a content creator like me, you may be wrestling with how much of your personal life should be shared with the public via social media. My wife and I have had more than one conversation about whether or not we should be posting videos and pictures of our toddler Devin. He may be way too young to be interested in communities like Facebook and Twitter, but parents of tweens and teens must now develop their own social media policies for their families to ensure the safety and harmony of both their kids and each other.
~ WHFC adoptive parent
Chris Heuer, the founder of the Social Media Club is helping families understand the challenges, issues, and opportunities through this 12-city tour focusing on Social Media + Family. It's a subject that isn't discussed very often at social media gatherings where the focus has mostly been on marketing and charity, but as evidenced from the first event on the tour, it certainly deserves more attention.
Read more at socialmediaclub.org.
MOVIE REVIEW: The Kids Are All Right
Directed by Lisa Cholodenko
Winner of the Teddy Award for Best Featured Film at the 2010 Berlin International Film Festival
Review written by Deb Shrier, MSW, LICSW
I tend to like movies that are surprising – not predictable – with great actors and an even better story line. As a fan of Annette Bening, Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo, this movie had a great deal going for it before the reel even began. This summer’s release of The Kids are All Right did have some of the right ingredients that make for a good film, yet the overall predictability of this film was disappointing. Nevertheless, The Kids are All Right is a dramatic-comedy that is thought provoking and entertaining. It has several controversial issues that have sparked a flurry of discussion amongst viewers.
Although the story is not about adoption per se, it does hold many of the same components that are involved with unknown history: wonder, interest and confusion. The story line is not complicated – an 18 year old teen (“Joni” played by Mia Wasikowska) is getting ready to leave for college and is asked by her 15 year old brother (“Laser” played by Josh Hutcherson) to help search for their biological father, an anonymous sperm donor. Interestingly enough, Donor Dad (“Paul” played by Mark Ruffalo) is contacted by the fertility clinic. Not only is he easy to locate but his lifestyle as a single, owner of a restaurant is extremely appealing when contrasted to the busy-ness of Joni and Laser’s family.
The children’s parents (“Nic and Jules” played by Annette Bening and Julianne Moore), seem to have built a good foundation for their children in terms of their openness around their journey to the family. Sperm donation is no longer a secret: assisted reproduction is an option for many singles/couples who would like to have children. Similar to adoption, discussions regarding “search and reunion” for donors are becoming more widespread. (This has similar elements to how adoption was viewed 20 years ago.) Each parent has her own unique reactions to the idea of search and subsequently, reunion. Their concern, question and ambivalence about meeting Paul are reasonably normal for any parent – he is a stranger to the family despite his biological connection. Throughout the film, the adult characters spend a great deal of time sorting through this “relationship” to the family unit. The teenagers, interestingly enough, are figuring it out but with less obvious external turmoil.
The key focus of this film is clearly on “relationships.” Each of the characters has a relationship with one another and the compelling factor in this film is how those relationships play out. For the two moms, their relationship has endured parenting newborns to teenagers, career challenges and life changes as well as what it means to be a couple in spite of a long-term partnership/marriage. (Special note here: these experiences are clearly not unique to same sex couples.) The teens are also exploring their relationships – within the family as well as outside. Joni is about to launch from the nest and navigate the world on her own. Laser remains at home in the midst of his own self-discovery. They are both at critical points of their own identity development and varying stages of their relationships with their moms as well as one another.
Paul’s entrance shakes up this neatly organized family. This brings to light one of the controversial issues raised in this film: what is Paul’s relationship to the family (as a unit as well as to each individual)? Although Paul is related through biology, he has not shared history or experiences in order to be truly embraced. He seems easily accepted by some of the family – and maybe too easily at that. Where does he belong? What does he know about being a father and what truly defines fatherhood? Now that he has contact with this family, does his biological connection entitle him to a yearly invite at Thanksgiving Dinner? Perhaps the answer will be revealed in a sequel to address the aftermath of this reunion (although none has been planned.)
In my communication with other moviegoers (many in complex families), it is not clear if this film is a “must see.” For some, the portrayal of the same sex couple was too choreographed and somewhat offensive. Others found the logistics of search and reunion oversimplified, predictable and unrealistic. Yet other viewers describe The Kids are All Right as an entertaining movie about the realities of contemporary families and the varying challenges faced in long-term relationships. As I was reminded by a colleague, it is just a movie.
ASK THE SOCIAL WORKER
Dear Social Worker,
I started an adoption blog 3 years ago during my homestudy and it became quite popular among my friends and in the larger adoptive community. My 6 year old has been home a year now and just started school last week. At our first conference, his kindergarten teacher wanted to talk about his behavioral needs in the classroom. I was surprised because it seemed that he was doing quite well. It turns out that she reads my blog and she is worried because of some of what I have written. On the one hand, I feel confident about what I wrote and hope it will be helpful for her as a teacher. On the other hand, I feel badly that she is anticipating trouble based on my accounts of some very bad times right after he came home. Do you think I made a mistake writing about my son? What should I say to his teacher? Do you have any advice for adoptive parents about how and when to include stories about their child on their blogs?
Sincerely,
Jessica from CA
Dear Jessica,
This is a wonderful question. It is not surprising that your six year old child had some difficult behavior in his first year home and writing about him may have been helpful to you at the time and may also help other adoptive parents understand the realities of the initial adjustment. But, as you pointed out, it may also have some implications for how others see your son. The important question is how you should respond now to this teacher. I would suggest that you spend some time with her and make sure that she has some understanding of adoption issues. Let her know that the behaviors you were seeing at home during his first year may be a factor in the classroom but may not. Some children struggle with the intimacy of a family setting but never receive a bad report from the teachers. Other children, have attention or sensory issues that may make the school setting difficult for them. Make a plan to check back in with the teacher after the first month, to discuss how your son is doing in her classroom. (This is probably a good idea for any 6 year old starting school for the first time.) Ask her to observe your son as she would any new child in her classroom and let her know that you would be happy to work with her to address any issues that come up. The internet, and blogs in particular, have really changed the world of adoption. Blogs have undoubtedly contributed to a much better public understanding of the homestudy process and what it takes to adopt a child, making adoption more accessible and less scary to potential adoptive parents. Time after time, during initial conversations and education with adoptive parents, they tell me something they have learned from reading accounts of adoption on the internet. Internet chat groups and blogs have also done a remarkable job of connecting adoptive parents to one another during the process and after their children come home. Parents facing similar challenges can share research they have done and insights they have gained with one another. A parenting community is a critical component of raising children. Unique parenting concerns related to adoption, however, cannot always be understood at the local playground or on the soccer field. The internet has helped adoptive parents, who would otherwise be isolated, find a community. Your question, however, brings up an important point. Once children are home, your blog is no longer just about you and your adoption process. It is also about your child, who is too young to make decisions about what to share or not share, or who should be able to read his/her story. Just as we reconsider everything else using the lens of a parent, I think it is important to consider how we talk about our children in the new world of social media. |
Some Suggestions Consider your audience: Who do you want to have information about your child’s adoption and early life with you? For most of us, there are people who have been linked in to your blog by families and friends, just like the teacher in the question above, and you may not be aware that they are reading your blog. What information are you truly comfortable sharing about your child with this wider group? Decide what information is off limits: You may know that your description of an amazing visit with your child’s birth family in Ethiopia might be really interesting to your extended family and other adoptive parents to whom you have become close. However, this is precious information to your child and, at least in the early years, your child may be too young to know or understand many of the details. Is there a way in which you can talk about the insights and experience you had during this visit without sharing any facts? Do not be afraid to delay writing or to take a break: There are critical junctures in an adoption when your world is upside down: when you first receive your referral, when you meet your new child, when you have a visit with birth family. It is tempting for parents who blog or chat on the internet daily to want to update internet friends immediately. Do not feel pressured to update in real time - let people know that you are going to take some time off to adjust to your new child. If you are afraid you will forget some of what you want to share, take notes in a private journal. Then, when you are ready to resume writing, you will have had some time to consider what you most want to share with everyone. Seek help first: Blogging or engaging in an internet chat group during a crisis with your child is not a good idea. While people reading your blog may have ideas or suggestions, it is not likely that this is the quickest way to gain some relief and support from your crisis. Instead, use your resources - call your adoption social worker, a member of the Post Adopt team, or a therapist familiar with adoption and begin to get the help you need. |
Lisa Lovett, MSW, LICSW
Post Adoption Counselor, MA Office
FAMILY STORIES: When I was young in Awasa
When I was young in Awasa my Dad would visit me on a special occasion because he was in the marines. One day a person came to my house and told me my father was dead. I was very depressed for many weeks.
When I was young in Awasa me and my friends would make the trophy for our soccer championships. Me and my friend Dagam would always win the championship and get the trophy.
When I was young in Awasa my mom got very ill. She stayed inside in bed feeling very ill. One day when I went in the bedroom I saw my mom with her eyes closed. I came closer and felt her. Then I said to my friend's mom to come. My friend's mom came and felt my mom and she told me she was dead. I cried and cried at that same day. I thought to myself God, why is this happening to me. My Aunt came to take care of me but every day there was a hole in my life.
Read more at www.whfc.org.
Talking With Teachers
Starting a new school year can be an exciting yet stressful time for any family. Every child and parent needs time to get comfortable with a new teacher and a different set of expectations. It also takes teachers time to get to know each family’s child and to understand their unique needs and individual learning styles. In the case of the adoptive family this time of year can present even more than the typical challenges.
Children who have experienced less than optimal care in the beginning of their life (orphanage care, abusive and/or neglectful birth home, extended or multiple foster care placements, etc) often have challenges (attachment issues, behavioral or learning issues, developmental delays, sensory integration needs, etc) that impact their school experience. And all adoptees (even those adopted at birth in their own country) have a need for their school environment to be an example of positive adoption language, and understanding. For these reasons and more adoptive families often benefit from beginning each new school year with a parent teacher conference.
September Webinar!
Tips and Strategies for School Success
Thursday, September 23
9:00 - 10:30 PM (Eastern Standard Time)
Learn more and register at www.adoptionsupport.org.
Read more at www.heartofthematter.com.
EDUCATIONAL & CULTURAL EVENTS AT WHFC
Register today for upcoming WHFC workshops and family events:
| Date | Event | Location |
| TBD | RI PAC's 3rd Open Forum | Providence, RI |
| 9/25/2010 | Ethiopia Family Gathering | New Castle, NH |
| 10/2/2010 | New York Family Picnic 2010 | Oyster Bay, NY |
| 10/4/2010 | Is my adopted child disorganized, unprepared & impulsive? Discussion of executive function challenges | Online |
| 10/16/2010 | RI Family Pumpkin Picking - hosted by PAC | Johnston, RI |
| 10/23/2010 | Clambake & Auction - benefit Humanitarian Aid | Newburyport, MA |
| 10/30/2010 | Eastern European Family Fest | Belmont, MA |
| 11/6/2010 | Parade of Nations: A Multicultural Fair | Dalton, MA |
| 11/20/2010 | Latin American Fest | Belmont, MA |
| 12/6/2010 | On Becoming a Multicultural Family: An interactive discussion | Online |
Additional events are added frequently. View the complete schedule and register online.
Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.) at WHFC
WHFC is pleased to offer a 4 week training course for parents with children ages 0-6 years old. This course will teach a combination of preventive as well as reactive communication and problem solving techniques. S.T.E.P. will be led by Lani Peterson, Psychologist and Parenting Coach, with assistance from Pat Hoopes, WHFC Director of Clinical Services.
Place: WHFC's office in Waltham, MA
Dates: October 14, October 21, October 28, and November 4
Time: 7:00 - 9:00 PM
For additional information or to register, contact Lani Peterson at 978.475.1047 or lani@arnzengroup.com.
Published by Wide Horizons for Children, Inc. 38 Edge Hill Road, Waltham, MA 02451
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