Attachment Disorder

By Pat Hoopes, MSW, LICSW

Happy Holidays?? Many families celebrated the holidays with gatherings of family and friends, a welcomed break in routine and lots of excitement. For other families the holiday season is an invitation to the disruption of much needed schedules and routines, over stimulation and an increase in tantrums and difficult behaviors.

Attachment disorder or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) has become a common and some argue an over used diagnosis for adopted children with significant behavior difficulties. It is important to note that attachment difficulties also occur between parents and the children born to them.

Attachment is the foundation of any relationship and in the context of a child with attachment disorder it refers primarily to the relationship between parent and child (often focused primarily on the mother-child relationship). It is well researched and held that healthy parent-child attachment is the base from which the child learns to trust, form a healthy sense of self (identity), develop empathy and form reciprocal relationships.

Some children who join their families through adoption, especially older children, but not exclusively, may have had early experiences of such deprivation and trauma that their ability to form a healthy attachment is severely compromised. Some children have moved from placement to placement and this too can negatively impact the child's attachment. Otherwise "good" parents find themselves trying to love and discipline these children with the "bag of tricks" that worked well with other children in the home. Their best efforts often do not work and the goodness with which they entered into the adoption begins to seriously erode. In some cases the result is what is often identified as parent-child attachment disorder.

We know that the behaviors unattached children engage in are difficult to manage and that they often challenge a parent's ability to love. While there are no "quick fixes," there is help.

• First, learn what attachment is. Parent-child attachment is something that many parents practice intuitively and successfully. This will not be the case with some children who have not had the benefit of your love and nurturance prior to joining your family.
• Second, understand the meaning of your child's behavior. In these cases, this "understanding" is rarely intuitive and will require that you see these behaviors as your child's way of communicating with you.
• Third, recognize your own feelings, reactions and role in the relationship.
• Fourth, acquire a different set of expectations of your child and your relationship with him.
• Fifth, learn to parent your child differently. There are adoption competent professionals and literature that can help you parent in a counter-intuitive manner that builds strong attachment.

Easy to put in print, but challenging to do! Most families, if not all, will need the guidance and support of a trained professional. This will take time and the outcome will not be the same for all families. Many parents and children will make great strides over time, sometimes a long time. Others will never make the progress they hope for. Most parents are able to put in the time, energy and financial resources needed. Some will not.

We know that there are families who are struggling and in need of assistance. We hear from some of you. If you are in need of assistance or think you might be, we urge you to contact one of our Post Adoption Counselors. We are not here to judge your parenting or the "success" of your adoption. We are here to listen and assist you in getting the help you need.