Openness in Domestic Adoption: Meeting the Needs of Children and their Families

By Cathy Brown, MSW

It is extremely rare that a prospective adoptive family walks through our door saying "I'd like an open adoption, please." For most, open adoption is a growth process involving educating oneself, as well as immediate and extended family members, developing empathy for birth parents, and recognizing the child's needs. Open adoption means having an open, honest relationship between adoptive and birth families. Identifying information is shared and very often there is an agreement for ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families, which may change over time depending on the needs of the parties involved. Open adoption has evolved as a result of requests made by birth parents to have the peace of mind of knowing their child is happy and thriving in the adoptive home.

Dispelling Common Myths and Fears

To have a successful open adoption, one must confront one's own biases and concerns. Common myths and fears include:

1. the child will be confused about who his parents are;
2. the child will love her adoptive parents less if she has a relationship with her birth parents;
3. when the birth parents see how well their child is doing they will change their minds;
4. if the birth parents know where their child is, they will try to reclaim him
5. open adoption means shared parenting

Let's take the first one. Children interact with many people on a daily basis, i.e. teachers, grandparents, adult friends of the family, etc. Still, children have a clear understanding of who their parents are. Regarding the second myth, as human beings we have an unlimited capacity to love. Does a child love her parents less when she has relationships with other adults? In the third and fourth instances, experience shows us birth parents in open adoption relationships find that seeing the adoptive family reaffirms their decision. Disrupting their child's life is not something they desire. It is important to remember that birth parents make a conscious choice to place their child in adoption, and in the case of open adoption, play a significant role in planning for their child. Lastly, open adoption is not shared parenting. Birth parents retain the right to have some form of contact with their child and the adoptive family, as outlined in the open adoption agreement. Decisions regarding how the child is raised are the rights and responsibilities of the adoptive parents.

Everyone benefits from open adoption

Most importantly, the child is best served through open and honest relationships. Open adoption gives the child access to answers about their birth family, heritage, up-to-date family medical history, and the situation surrounding their adoption. Every adopted child wants to know why his birth parents made an adoption plan for him. In closed adoption situations, adoptive parents may guess at or repeat second and third hand answers. Birth parents also benefit from knowing they made a positive decision and a safe, loving plan for their child. They can take pride in their decision which minimizes their feelings of shame and guilt. When birth parents select the adoptive parents and entrust their child's care to them, the adoptive parents, in turn, feel a sense of entitlement as parents. The birth parents give the adoptive parents permission to raise and love the child. This aids in the attachment process between the child and his adoptive parents. Additionally, adoptive parents who know their child's birth parents feel more secure about the adoption because it dispels their fantasies about who the birth parents are.

The keys to a successful open adoption are mutual respect, boundaries, honesty, flexibility, and trust. Birth parents and adoptive parents must be able to feel empathy for each other, understand and respect one another's boundaries, be honest about one's needs, adapt to changes as the relationship grows, and finally, trust that the other will act in the child's best interest. Most of us know early on when meeting someone whether the other person is someone we could have a positive relationship with. Trust your instincts and don't force a relationship for the sake of a placement. Birth parents and adoptive parents alike must be able to commit to a lifelong relationship for the benefit of the child. This isn't possible in every situation, but most often it is a wonderful experience for everyone involved!

WHFC has adapted our domestic program to meet the needs of birth parents, adoptive parents and ultimately, the children we place for adoption. We have seen adoption grow from being closed where little or no information is shared, to semi-open where non-identifying information is shared, to open where identifying information is shared and a relationship is developed between birth and adoptive families. Very often we facilitate a process between birth and adoptive parents where each is able to negotiate a situation of comfort for themselves, while keeping the best interest of the child in the forefront. Adoption is about and for children and when the adults in their lives are united, everyone benefits.

Additional resources

Websites

Adoption.com
Comprehensive adoption information and resources

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
Gateways to Information: Protecting Children, Strengthening Families

Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support

Nolo Legal Encyclopedia
Adoption Basics

Openness in Adoption and Post-Adoption Contact Agreements: A Review of the Empirical Research and Current State Law
Prepared by The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, December 1999

Books

The Spirit of Open Adoption, James L. Gritter, 1997, CWLA Press, Washington, DC

Dear Birthmother, Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin, 1991, Corona Publications Co., San Antonio, TX

Adoption Without Fear, James L. Gritter, 1989, Corona Publications Co., San Antonio, TX

The Open Adoption Experience, Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, 1993, Harper Collins

How To Open an Adoption, A Guide for Parents and Birthparents of Minors, Patricia Martinez Dorner, 1997, R-Squared Press

Children of Open Adoption and Their Families, Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner, 1990, Corona Publications Co, San Antonio, TX

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