The Referral Process

By Deborah Waterman, MHSA

As you approach each phase of the adoption process, your next set of concerns and questions naturally arise. Once the home study process is completed and your paperwork is forwarded to another country, the waiting time begins. It can be helpful to have an overview of each step of the referral process to have a clearer sense of what lies ahead.

While waiting to be matched with a child, your social worker will be in monthly contact to update you on the process and to see how you are doing. If you feel that you need more support during this time, don't hesitate to let her know. Also, feel free to check in periodically with the program coordinator(s) or program assistants to get updated information. As it gets closer to the time of referral, you may want to have weekly contact with the program staff.

The waiting period can be put to good use. Several of our offices hold regular parent-run support meetings for those who are in this phase. It is a good time to read about the culture and history of the country you are adopting from as well as the developmental issues of young children. Attend agency cultural events, learn a bit of the language of your child's birth country and meet families who have adopted from the same country. If finances allow it, take a vacation or work on home projects that you won't have the time or desire to do once a child arrives. In addition, getting a baby or child's room set up is an exciting way to spend time along with thinking about names. You can also start preliminary work on preparing or updating your will.

When your social worker receives word that you have a referral, she will contact you immediately. You will meet with her as soon as possible to go over the referral information sent to us from the child's birth country. The referral meeting is usually a momentous occasion filled with heightened emotion. Many parents acknowledge feeling a sense of shock at the fact that they are finally going to be parents! Some people feel a bit guarded, finding it hard to give themselves permission to feel excited for fear that something could keep this child from coming home to them. Others are truly elated. This wide range of feelings is normal!

In most cases the referral information will consist of a photo (or two) and a medical report. Prospective parents may have an image of a child in mind and the reality of seeing photos can be an emotional experience. Remember that these photos just capture a brief moment in time. A child may be sleepy, sad or frightened of the camera. There is nothing wrong with you or with the child if you don't feel an instantaneous connection with the photo. Try to remember that bonding is a process based on shared experiences and that it occurs over time. This is true in relationships between adults, and between parent and child.

Along with photos, your social worker will review medical, background and/or social reports that may be available as part of your referral information. You will be asked to bring the information you have been given to a pediatrician for review. A physician is able to glean a lot of information from a photo and a medical report. If there is a significant medical issue, we can ask follow-up questions of the referring country. Even if all of the medical information looks positive, it is always nice to receive reassurance from a medical professional.

At this point, it is natural for parents to want their child to come home as soon as possible. Once an emotional commitment is made to a child, parental instinct often takes over - even during the referral meeting. Most parents feel that as every day passes, it is a day that they and their child are missing out on being together. However, legal and immigration procedures in both the U.S. and the other country take some time for completion. You will be kept informed of these time frames throughout your process. Be reassured that the child's caretakers will continue to do their best in caring for your child until he or she is ready to come home to you.

In rare cases, an individual or couple may not be prepared to accept a referral if there is a more severe and/or long-term medical condition that they feel unable to manage. Your pediatrician may have specific medical questions for our overseas partners. Answers to these questions may give the pediatrician reassurance that will enable prospective parents to move ahead with the process of adopting this child. On the other hand, responses to questions may lead the pediatrician to suggest that there may be significant medical issues which prospective parents feel unable to accept. A letter of explanation from the pediatrician will be requested to assure adoption professionals in the other country that the referral of this child was carefully considered. Often, prospective parents need some time to grieve this loss before moving forward to consider another child. When ready, the agency will support the referral of another child.

Clients continuously share with us that once their child is home, the long wait leading up to his or her arrival melts away. The referral of a child will happen and like most parents, you will feel that this particular youngster was meant to be a part of your family. The day will come soon after this child joins your family when you cannot imagine life without him or her.

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