A Season of Change

By Pat Hoopes, MSW, LICSW
Director of Clinical Services

"An Ounce of Prevention..."

Do teachers still ask students to write essays titled "What I did on my summer vacation?"

While looking back may be a good exercise for our kids, as parents we know that we need to be one step ahead of them at all times! To that end, I'd like to suggest a mental essay for parents called "What I will do to prepare my child for the end of summer and the beginning of (fill in the blank)."

Whether your child is starting kindergarten or going off to college, transitions raise a range of emotions from joyful excitement to downright terror. Most kids fall somewhere in the middle. Children with a history of trauma and loss may be among the most vulnerable in new situations. Some children who join their families through adoption may be among this group.

Before beginning your mental essay, consider the following questions:

• What do I know about my child that might make her vulnerable in the transition ahead?
• Who can I line up to act as an ally for my child on my behalf?
• What conversations should I be having with my child to prepare her for what lies ahead?

What do you know about your child that might make her vulnerable in the transition ahead? Consider some of the following:

• Your child has recently joined your family and is starting school in your community for the first time. Is your child ready to leave you? The last time your child left her home (orphanage, foster home, etc.), she never went back. What will happen when she is sent to school?
• The summer has been a difficult time for your child. Perhaps overnight camp or staying with family didn't work out so well. Do you know how your child is feeling about what happened? Do "upset feelings" linger?
• Has your child suddenly begun asking questions about her adoption? Has something occurred that prompted this?
• Your child had been the victim of bullying/teasing/racism at school. Will this school year be more of the same?

There are so many variables, some adoption related and many not, that may affect your child's ability to "start off on the right foot." Take some time to consider your child's current emotional well being.

Who will advocate for your child when you cannot be there for her?
It is important to line up as many "allies" for your child as possible. These may be day care providers, teachers, school counselors, religious educators, babysitters or other adults who are responsible for your child's well being in your absence. Some tips for forming allies include:

• Ask for time to discuss your concerns. Acknowledge that you may be just one of several parents asking for a meeting. Be respectful and flexible around meeting times.
• Be specific about what concerns you have and ask for ideas around how you can work together to support your child's success.
• Share your child's "triggers" and discuss concrete plans for how to intervene if your child needs help.
• Ask teachers and others about their experience with children who were adopted. Find out if a "family tree" or other assignments that might pose a challenge for your child will be assigned.
• Find out what the best times are to follow up. Let your "ally" know that you want to stay in touch.

Take time to talk with your child about what to expect.
There are "pitfalls" awaiting all children as they enter new situations and the more vulnerable the child, the more pitfalls await them. Common pitfalls include: missing mom and dad, feeling lonely, not "fitting in" and feeling "picked on." Some adopted children are especially vulnerable to feelings associated with separations from their parents and related difference. Parents can help by using the following strategies:

• Anticipation - Have that conversation about what might happen and how your child might feel. For example, "Sometimes being on the bus for the first time feels uncomfortable. You may not know where to sit or who to sit with. You might feel scared or a bit sad."
• Normalize - Make it "OK" to have these feelings. "This is the way most kids feel in the beginning. Sometimes these feelings go away quickly and sometimes it takes a while."
• Strategize - Make concrete suggestions to help your child cope. "Would you like to bring Buddy (i.e., stuffed animal) along in your back pack? He can sit with you on the bus and be your bus pal. Then, when you get to school he can go in your pack and wait for you until the bus ride home."

Anxiety about riding the bus is just one example of conversations you can have with your child to prepare them for the transition ahead.

Hopefully you are ready to begin your mental essay. Find some quiet time, put your feet up and make a cup of tea! Being able to anticipate pitfalls and missteps allows you to reduce your stress level and be better able to help your child cope with hers.

Good luck!