The social worker's perspective

By Deb Shrier, MSW, LICSW

Attachment is one of the greatest concerns on the minds of adoptive parents even when they begin the adoption process. Will this child attach to me? My child had several different caregivers before becoming a part of our family — does that mean he/she will never attach? Does my child have an attachment disorder? Since attachment itself is an essential part of all relationships, parents have reason to ask so many questions. Conflicting information about what provides for the development of healthy attachment also leaves parents vulnerable to knowing how to do "the right thing."

Jennifer and her husband were very thorough and thoughtful as they considered adopting an older child. They recognized the various challenges that might exist and felt strongly that their solid marital relationship could endure what might lie ahead. They talked with other families, read books/articles and attended the agency's Older Child Preparation class. The couple was eager to become parents and did what they could in order to prepare.

Every individual has his/her own attachment style - therefore, it is important for parents to examine their own experience with attachment figures (parents, spouse, other children) in their lives. Stressful or challenging relationships with your own parents might also have placed your own attachment style at risk (a parent with mental health issues, alcoholism, or benign neglect). Yet, there are various ways to gain understanding about your history and enjoy a healthy relationship with your child. Many individuals are able to heal from those experiences and gain insight into their own attachment style. One book that offers a comprehensive understanding of the attachment relationship between parents and children can be found in Dan Siegel's book, Parenting from the Inside Out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive (Penguin Books, 2003). It is a useful tool for all parents (by birth or adoption) to gain insight into what they bring to parenting.

As you can see in Jennifer's article, as she became more comfortable and confident as a parent, she was able to work on her relationship with her son. It took time and a commitment on her part. She found ways to reach out to others, gain support as well as validation. Her husband was a strong foundation during this time even though he had a different relationship with Dylan (it is not unusual for children to have an easier time with one parent over another). The limitless love and support that she received from her own parents were important factors in her success. They were also excellent role models that gave the couple a healthy vision of parenting. Jennifer and her husband were open to learning as much as they could about teaching Dylan about being a family through trust, love and respect for each other.

Jennifer's final point about our check in around attachment should help normalize her experience. She has said that she understands that attachment is an ongoing process. It can change over time, deepening with the shared history that a parent develops with their child. Together with her husband, they have created a safe environment for their child to explore his sense of self, trust of both parents and understanding of family.

In Siegel's book, he states that "research shows that relationships with parents can change and as they do the child's attachment changes. This means that it's never too late to create a positive change in a child's life." This statement offers hope for most families. Combined with commitment to the relationship, a family can thrive despite the challenges along the way.