Parent Education — Travel Question to Consider

By Deb Shrier, MSW, LCSW

My husband and I are planning to adopt from China. We are undecided as to whether or not to bring our 4-year-old daughter (also adopted from China) with us on the trip. I am concerned about the long flight as well as the busy schedule we will have once we are there. Any recommendations?

Adoption is an event that affects the entire family and it is wonderful that you are taking some time to consideer whether to bring your older daughter. As her parents, only you can make the decision.

There are a few issues that you and your husband might want to consider before your decision is made:

1. age and maturity of the child you are planning to bring
2. response to change, transitions and stress
3. how to attend to needs of the child you are adopting, while parenting your 4 year old daughter
4. child's own understanding of their adoption story

The focus of this trip is to meet, connect with and attend to the new child you are adopting. As you know from your previous trip, the schedule while in country can be a challenge. Keeping that in mind, you might consider talking with your child about it and share what the trip might be like. Developmentally, a typical 4 year old cannot make this decision but you can help her to understand the decision that you have made with her in mind.

You also mentioned that your 4 year old was adopted from China as well. Depending upon her understanding of her adoption story, she may have many questions stemming from this trip to her birth country, responses from Chinese natives and meeting a new sibling. There may also be an opportunity to visit an orphanage. These scenarios may raise your daughter's thoughts about what her life was before joining your family. These are good discussions to have with your social worker before and after your trip.

If you do decide to have your older daughter go on this exciting trip, consider bringing the following:

• A variety of snacks such as granola bars, packaged crackers, peanuts, etc.
• Activity books and a supply of crayons or colored pencils
• Reading material, maps or picture books
• Disposable camera (so she can eventually record the trip from her perspective!)

Despite the schedule, you and your spouse should plan for "down time" where you can each enjoy relaxing with your 4-year-old. There may be occasions where one of you might need to be with the younger child while the other adult in your family will take a walk or play in a local park with the older child. If there are other Big Sisters/Brothers on the trip, try to plan opportunities for play whenever possible.

It is important to share some of the possible reactions that a new child might have to the entire family. One way to do this might be to ask your 4-year-old how she felt when meeting new people, starting a new playgroup or facing a brand new situation. The emphasis should be on the younger child's normal reaction. Be sure to note that these reactions may include being sad, crying, needing to be held or even being very quiet. While this is a very joyous time for your family, it may be a difficult time for your young child.

If you choose to leave your older daughter at home, consider making a blog of your trip, which might include a narrative as well as pictures. Cell phone companies also have international calling plans that can be arranged for a limited time (1 month) and consider planning a special time to call your daughter at home. Put together a "countdown calendar" with special messages attached to each day that includes the number of days until your return. Give your child some opportunities to help prepare the house for your younger child's arrival: picking out picture frames, putting together important necessities for the changing table or helping to select healthy snacks (biscuits) for their younger sibling. Let your child have a special part in welcoming the addition to your family!

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