The Importance of Open Adoption in Our Family

By Leanne and Mike

We made the decision to adopt a child in the fall of 2000. When we first talked about adopting a child, we had never considered "open adoption", mainly because we didn't know it was an option. We thought we would have a conventional adoptive situation and never have contact with the birth family. Upon submitting our application to WHFC's domestic program in January 2001, we learned through friends of a young expectant mother who was coincidentally being counseled there. We had very little information about this young woman at first, only that she was with WHFC for various reasons, struggling with whether or not to parent her unborn baby. It wasn't until this unique situation was brought before us we learned more about it.

Initially, our feelings were that she wanted some control of parental duties. We definitely had some concerns. These feelings came out of our own fear of the unknown. When we were given more information about what she wanted, possibly physical contact, it worried us even more. We thought, if given the chance, we wanted to be the parents of this child and not have to answer to anyone. There wasn't a lot of time to prepare for this decision. We talked it through with friends and family and received various degrees of feedback. We stayed focused on the positive and did a lot of praying.

Ultimately, we came to realize that taking part in "parenting" this child was not what this young woman was asking from us in this openness arrangement. We learned more about her situation. She loved this child growing inside her and knew in her heart she couldn't give him the life she wanted for him. She had a very close and supportive family. We started to think of the possibilities with open minds. Our focus began to shift from what our fears and reservations were to what her needs and wants were for this child. For her, it was finding the right family and having the reassurance of her child knowing he was never abandoned in any sense of the word. We felt empathy for what she must be going through. The magnitude of her decision was something we couldn't fully comprehend. One of the toughest, most unselfish decisions she would ever have to make in her life involved not just her, but all of us collaboratively. This wasn't a desperate attempt to become parents no matter what the cost. We were making a plan for what was best for this child's life and in doing that, we all had to put our fears aside.

Our son, much to everyone's surprise, was born a month early. So from the beginning of this process to the end, only about four weeks had passed. Initially, she took him home. She needed to know for herself what was involved in caring for a child. After ten days, she decided to look at a handful of profiles of potential adoptive parents. The call came that she was interested in us and wanted to meet. Our minds were whirling with emotions. Two days later, on a Friday, we met with her and her mother at WHFC. A social worker was there to help guide the meeting. As anyone could imagine, we were filled with nervousness, apprehension, curiosity, and a longing to figure out what was going through her mind as well. Would we like her? Would she like us? The beginning of the meeting was a little uncomfortable for all of us, but once we started talking and opening up, my husband and I felt an instant connection with her and her mother. It just felt right. We began by telling her our story of wanting a family and the years we spent trying to conceive with no success. We talked about our families and the love and support we had surrounding us in our decision to adopt. Of course, she had a few requests and important questions for us. Would the child play sports, what are our parenting and discipline styles, etc? She expressed to us how important it was for us to send her photos and updates of his progression a few times a year. It felt so right; we exchanged phone numbers that day. Soon after we arrived home from the meeting, our social worker called and happily informed us that the young woman we had just met indeed wanted us for her child's parents. Over the weekend, we had a few phone conversations with her. We sensed she was feeling more and more at ease about the decision she had made. We also felt no reservations at that point about having an open adoption. From the very start, almost instinctively, the boundaries were established as to who the parents of this child would be. But it happened in such a way where no words needed to be exchanged, it just developed naturally.

Working out an open adoption plan is not something that can be laid out and set in stone. It is something you have to work at over time and change if need be according to the circumstances and as the relationship evolves. What helped us immensely was when we met our son's birth mother for the first time; she had a very non-invasive demeanor. It was clear from the very start that she didn't want to be front and center in how we raised this child. We have allowed her to be a part of her son's progress, which we feel in turn, helped validate her decision.

My husband and I initiated the first meeting with our son's birth mother a couple of months after the adoption day. We met for brunch at a restaurant with her mother and younger brother. Like I had said before, we felt an instant connection with her and her family and this first meeting was like getting together with old friends, very natural. They all took turns holding the baby and feeding him, but when he cried, he was passed to his Mommy. Since then, Mike and I have done different things with our child's birth mother such as attending her confirmation, taking pictures on prom night, celebrating birthdays, holidays and just visits at various times. It's never something we feel pressured to do. We've come to know and love her and her family. We call from time to time and may or may not arrange a time to get together. She is busy with her life, going to college and working. Our son is almost four and our visits with his birth mother are less frequent. Our relationship with her is much more than we could have ever imagined. Our son has a unique extended family and a grand circle of people who love him.

Our son knows as much as a four-year-old can relate to as far as his adoptive story. He knows he came out of his birth mother's belly and jumped into our hearts. He has pictures of her in his room as well as with all the other family photos. She is and always will be part of who he is. He will never have an unanswered question regarding why this adoption plan was made. He won't have to wonder whom he takes after or whom he gets his nose from. We love telling him how much he looks like his uncle and how he has his birth mother's eyes. We feel that as he gets older, his sense of identity will be stronger because of the connections we are preserving for him.

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