Reflections

By Nancy T.

Ten years ago, I stepped off a plane in Moscow, flanked by Steve, my nine year-old son, my husband, and two other families who were set to begin their life's grand adventure. We were pioneers, of sorts. We were the first families to travel to Russia through WHFC for the adoption of our children.

When people ask why we chose Russia, I tell them that Russia chose us. We started the process for our second adoption, wanting an infant daughter from Korea. Then, we actually withdrew from the process, wondering if we really wanted a second child. Three years later, a friend who worked for WHFC told us about a new Russia program. My Eastern European heritage and the availability of older kids were the clinchers. Four months after our first WHFC meeting we got the referral call.

The child referred to us was a five year-old boy, named Konstantin. There were no photos. None. There was only one paragraph of information that began with the words, "Konstantin is a very active child..." But the clincher was the name. Konstantin was my grandfather's first, and my father's middle, name. It was our sign that this child was supposed to be ours.

In December, we flew to Moscow. Andrey Metelsky met us at the airport and drove us to apartments where we would stay for 12 days. The first morning, we traveled about 1 1/2 hours to Kashira to meet the children at the orphanage. We toured the entire building and as we entered the last room, there they were! Our new son recognized us immediately, from the pictures we had sent him. He looked scared. So did we. With our new son by our side, we filled in the waiting with tours of cultural centers and a trip to the Moscow Circus.

After a long flight home, we thought we would settle down and bond. But the bonding period took several instructive twists and turns, and it took longer than we anticipated. Konstantin Alexander, now Alexander Konstantin, was indeed an ACTIVE child, immensely curious and inventive. We quickly learned to baby proof for a six year-old.

As time went on, we encountered some attachment and bonding issues. It was a lot harder than we ever expected, and looking back, we could have benefited from additional preparation. However, at that time, not as much was known about adopting the older child. Alex seemed to be comfortable with just about anyone and we worried about him just wandering off. He was also very active and easily distracted. And having to expend so much energy on Alex also affected our older son in ways we didn't expect.

However, through the love and support of our family, friends, and our therapist, Peg Kirby, we did better than just survive. We learned how to be the parents of two wonderful, uniquely different, sons who have turned into incredible young men.

This need for family preparation, in fact, has been the catalyst for my work as an adoption social worker. Today, as a member of the staff of WHFC, my involvement and commitment to the "Adopting the Older Child" workshop is based on the dynamic of what we knew, or didn't know, before our son came home. This session advises prospective families on how to prepare before a child arrives to help ease the adjustment. It's as important for the parent as it is for the child.

When I reflect on our experience, I amazed by the resilience of my son, and by kids in general. His life changed dramatically when he came home with us. He was suddenly faced with having to figure out how to live in a family, and how to make lasting personal connections.

Today, Alex is very different than he was ten years ago. Physically, he's fast approaching six feet tall. When he came home, he was the size of a four year-old in U.S. standards. Emotionally, Alex has learned to trust people, and he has also learned how to be trustworthy. He lost everything he knew when he came home, and struggled so hard to compensate for those losses. He's been able to define so many wonderful skills, gifts and talents over the years. In fact, he had the role of "Tin Man" in a school presentation of "The Wizard of Oz". He's an honor roll student, likes to run track, and following in his brother's footsteps, he's playing freshman football this year.

But mostly, what I want you to know about Alex is the size of his heart. Even during the toughest and most difficult times, Alex displayed a sincerity and innocence that took my breath away. He's sensitive, caring, a good friend, a compassionate grandson, and a pain-in-the-neck little brother. He has a way of being your best friend minutes after you meet him. But, best of all, he is my son. And we are a forever family.