Shared Joy

Nineteen years ago, after an extended period of progressively more frustrating infertility, Wide Horizons For Children came into our lives. The agency was well known for its caring programs for adoptive parents and children, and in particular for the large number of Korean babies successfully placed (and afterwards, carefully nurtured) in New England homes. My husband and I applied to the Korean program. About a year after our home study was completed, the agency asked if we would be willing to consider a non-identified domestic adoption. Times were different then. There was no sharing of pictures or names. There was never even a question of whether we would meet the birth mother. Non-identifying information was exchanged through the agency; the birth mother "chose" us through information we shared ("live in the country; dogs and cats; professionally employed; Catholic; etc."); we received similar information about her ("21 years old; Catholic, not involved with birth father"). Anonymity was central to the entire domestic adoption process.

Our child is now a teenager and this essay is anonymous because s/he is very sensitive about sharing private details outside the family. We have made a point of NOT making information about the birth mother or our relationship with her widely available - believing that that information should be our child's, as is the choice of when and with whom to share that information.

Over the past years, we have had sporadic, and very meaningful, information exchanges with the birth mother. What started as letters and pictures from us to her, became two-way communication, with letters mailed to us, still anonymously, through the agency. We have developed a warm relationship with much shared joy at the accomplishments of our child as well as more - general celebrating and sympathizing over the important pieces of our lives. A couple of years ago, the birth mother's need to connect with her child coincided with our child's need to know more about the birth situation. At that point, I confided in my child that I had been sharing information with the birth mother all along; s/he was very anxious that I ask for more information. The next letters from the birth mother contained pictures, names, and other identifying characteristics of the birth family and a warm welcome to our child into that family. For several months, the birth mother and her family was THE topic of conversation in our family. There was great joy in, and curiosity about, the "new family" our child was part of, including an expected and very welcomed half-sibling on the way.

Throughout the process, Wide Horizons has been there with understanding staff to help guide us, both in answering questions and offering advice (my favorite continues to be "take your time"). The intense exchange of information between the birth mother and us has led, not to the face-to-face meeting that I expected might happen if our child had wanted to pursue it, but to what is currently a hiatus. Seemingly, both birth mother and child are happy with the information they have. There has been no move on either side to go any further at present. I believe we all fully expect (and will welcome) a face-to-face meeting when the time is "right". I look forward to seeing the joy on the faces of child and mother (both mothers), and to being able to say the most heartfelt "thank-you" of my life.

Understanding Options for Openness in Adoption

WHFC supports families in their decisions about openness, and does so with the encouragement of recent research. In their 1998 study entitled Openness in Adoption: Exploring Family Connections, Harold D. Grotevant and Ruth G. McRoy found no significant differences in self-esteem and socio-emotional adjustment among children involved in varied degrees of openness, including traditional, closed adoptions. The research revealed that children who are included in contact with birth parents have the highest levels of understanding of adoption. The various degrees of openness can be described as follows:

Open Adoption
Full disclosure of identifying information (names, addresses and telephone numbers); birth parents and adoptive families interact without the involvement of the agency.

Semi-Open Adoption
Birth parents share only medical and social background (non-identifying) information; agency facilitates meetings and communications, before and after placement.

Confidential Adoption
Birth parents share only medical and social background (non-identifying) information before placement; no plans for any further sharing of information or future contact.

For a complete list of recommended readings on openness in adoption, visit www.openadoptioninsight.org.

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