Two Mothers

By Kathryn R.

Two mothers, one planet, and one beautiful child - deeply loved by both mothers. I am an adoptive mother, my new Chinese friend, a foster mother. What lies between us is the immense Pacific ocean, 8000 miles, two different languages and multilayered cultural differences, yet she feels as near to me as this laptop before me.

On January 3, 2003, my husband, a dear friend, my three children and I traveled to China with the WHFC China 101 group. On January 7, 2003, we met and instantly fell in love with our daughter, Ryann.

When we entered the Hubei provincial office that morning I heard the sound of fussing, anxious and crying babies. Immediately upon entering the building, I stopped, looked up towards the upstairs landing, and saw a young Chinese man holding an anxious crying baby.

I knew instantly it was my daughter - I immediately wanted to hold her, rock her and comfort her. Yet as my maternal urges yanked impatiently at my heart, I couldn't help but momentarily wonder about all the possible reasons for her present fear, confusion and anxiety.

What did she know? Who did she know? Who loved her enough to have her miss what felt secure and familiar. What and who was she missing?

I remember our very wise social worker telling us "the crying is a good thing, it means they've bonded, so they'll bond again" True, I thought; yet, somewhere in that emotional and hectic morning and within my rushed and scattered thoughts I wondered, but who? Who did she bond with? Who loved her? Who cared for her? Who bathed her? Who sang to her and rocked her? I believed that these would be a few of the many unanswered questions about my daughter's lost past and her missing roots.

Little did I know that the blessing of adopting my little Ryann would continue to unravel, one miracle after another, long after our return from China.

Many months after our return to the states another family we traveled with shared with us their discovery of their child's foster family's contact information. Their fortune to connect with their child's foster mother led us to our link to our daughter's foster family.

On Tuesday, September 30, 2003, I received a beautiful email from Ryann's foster mother. Since receiving our initial email from Ryann's foster mother and her family, we continue to communicate and exchange photos through email and regular mail.

We are truly a world apart. The only significant distinctions are the few words that define us - foster mother, adoptive mother. Yet, we both hold in our minds and our hearts the image of a sweet baby girl. We are so much more alike than we are different. We are akin in our profound mothering love of a little baby girl. We are joined by and forever connected by the sweet love of my fourth child, Ryann, or RongRong, the Chinese name her foster mother knew her by.

I am forever indebted to this foster mother for her wonderful care, mothering and love of RongRong. This amazing woman gave the greatest gift to my daughter - her gentle care, loving arms and warm heart. And, she did this knowing that as a foster mother she would have to give her up in about one year to an adoptive family.

I've had my daughter for one year now; I simply cannot comprehend the pain of losing her! This woman loved my daughter unselfishly, ignoring the awful pain she would endure. The pain in her letters and emails are heart wrenching; she so misses her little RongRong. She told me how she cried and cried the day before RongRong was to leave, and how RongRong gently touched her foster mother's face, tracing tears with her little finger. She made the greatest sacrifice for my daughter: she loved her like her own daughter and then had to let her go.

It is an honor to know Ryann's foster mother and I feel a unique duty to keep this connection alive. There are immensely complicated issues, events and conditions that have brought my daughter to me, and reveal to me the mysterious and indiscernible connection we all have to each other.

Looking into my daughter's beautiful black eyes and with the knowledge that Ryann's foster mother looked there too, I am aware, now more than ever, that we are all a part of each other. Foster mothers are angels - they are the outstretched arms of God, gently guiding lost children to their forever families.

Mothering love is strong; it reaches across the Pacific and wraps around our planet like an unreserved warm embrace.

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